08 January 2003

The Answer to the Korean Crisis

The news is loonier than usual this morning. The Brits have found a makeshift biological production lab in London and arrested six men. Three more are at large. It looks like the bad guys were producing Ricine, a powerful toxin, but all they found was traces and they don't know how much was made, where it might be and what they were going to do with it. The Special Branch of New Scotland Yard says they were in the early stages of production, but there is the very real possibility that there are more characters out there, and a number of sleeper cells across the United Europe that could be up to the same thing.

And here, of course. National Public Radio calls this a "strange and inchoate threat" derived from castor oil or brake fluid. I think I can put this in perspective.

Because of the bio-tox panic, the British have sent their Defense Minister to Turkey to discuss the positioning of troops for the war with Iraq that Home Minister Jack Straw says is less than a 50-50 probability. It is similar to our action after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, in which to confuse the Tojo Government we immediately landed troops in North Africa. The alleged terrorists in London are reported to be of North African origin. Coincidence?

I think not.

Some Turks remember Gallipoli, the last time the Brits came unannounced to Turkey in 1916. Of course, the Brits sent the Aussies and the Kiwis, but there are not many left who were around then, so some of the facts are a little hazy. somebody is remembering for them. Ah, the power of memory. The Turks actually won that one, decisively.

A Scottish schoolgirl won a six month court case against her school district, arguing successfully through her attorney that after-school detention was a violation of her human rights. Such punishment is now being banned across Scotland by schools that are afraid of additional litigation. The rest of the terrorists in London are consequently considering relocating to Glasgow.

The alleged nuke crisis in North Korea has the commentators agog this morning. The word from the Hermit Kingdom is that Washington's concern over the errant fissile material is tantamount to an act of war. Having met some of the ruling elite there, and looking at the picture of The Dear Leader on the cover of Newsweek this week I noted the pompadour hairdo and the big metal high fashion sunglasses. I know a few things about the playboy dictator's checkered history. The western films, the bootleg CDs, the rumors of wild and excessive conduct in the midst of abject poverty.

I have made some intellectual deductions based on the facts as I know them, and have come to this conclusion: Kim Jong Il believes he is Elvis Presley. It is the only thing that links all the publicly available information together. The idea that the US would invade Graceland is unthinkable, or at least it was under the Clinton Administration. Because of the Bush Administration's bellicose position, I believe that the jittery balance of power has been altered and the North Koreans have decided to act. It is their intention to make Graceland a nuclear power in its own right, a postion that will bring negotiation and force a variety concessions from Washington. This could include a multi-album record deal. Think of the North Korean Defense Minister as a sort of Colonel Tom Parker. Do you see what I mean?

The logic is compelling.

I am confident that Secretary Powell will find a way out of the Korean mess. There is too much other stuff going on. We can always return to the Korean issue if we get bored after the war and the recovery from the terrorist biological attack. I think the answer for now it could be a Hollywood production starring the Dear Leader in a remake of a big, glitzy Elvis musical called "Viva Pyongyang!"

I hope that Ann Margaret is ready to come out of retirement. It is for the nation.