Untitled Document

11 January 2007

Back in Battery

There is an old Naval phrase that has come to be part of my daily syntax. “Back in Battery” originally was an artillery term that described a gun that had completed its recoil cycle and was ready for firing again. Common usage now uses the phrase to mean 'ready to go,' or recovered. You might hear used in the Squadron in this context: "I set my hair on fire last night on Liberty, but five hours' rack time and I'm back in battery."

The President seemed to be saying it last night, indicating that he was ready for a last roll of the dice. I'll have more on that, but not today. I need to think about it, and the noise of the commentary is making my head hurt. Colin Powell used to work on an old Volvo when things at the Pentagon were crazy. He said that the Volvo could always be fixed, which wasn't the case with his day job.

I had it in another context yesterday. It was actually Monday, a foul and nasty evening in which I thought I might have my son over to have dinner. A little past the hour he was to arrive I got a call.

“Can't make it, Dad. Car's dead. I guess the battery is shot.”

I assured him we could deal with it in the morning. Since he did not feel like walking, and I did not feel like chauffeuring, I scanned the web for likely vendors. I found one near the neighborhood where he lives, and passed on the information. I told him we could install it, no problem, and he didn't need to jump the car and drive it to the Mr. Tire store to let it sit all day.

I got a call the next day, informing me that he had the battery, and was walking to the Metro with it.
My eyes bugged out a little. If I saw a young man, even in the Washington winter uniform of dark suit, sedate tie and trench-coat, walking into a public place with a large automotive battery at his side, I would freak.

Nothing in the world looks more like a bomb than a big car battery.

I told him I would be right over. I swerved through the cold rain and rush-hour darkness down Wilson Boulevard and picked him up not far from the dealer. We drove over to his place and he went in to change clothes. I told him it would take a couple minutes, tops, and I had my tools.

I popped the hood on his car and looked around with the flashlight I brought. Cold rain dripped on my neck and I wished I had put on a jacket. This global warming thing is starting to get me really confused.

For the life of me, I could not find anything that looked like a battery in the engine compartment. I was stunned. This was a 1999 car, I thought, and I must have changed the battery at least once when I owned it. Looking as hard as I could, I could not find one.

When my son re-appeared I asked him to look in the owner's manual and see if we could get a clue on where the thing might be. I know, looking at the manual is the last resort of the scoundrel, like stopping to look for directions. Could it be under a seat? I had no idea and felt like an idiot. A wet and cold idiot.

>From inside the vehicle, my son called out that it was located in front of the front wheel, inside the well. The manual said if you turned the steering wheel all the way to the right, you could get right to it.

I said we might want to consider the matter in the morning, when the rain had stopped and we could see. Thankfully, he agreed.

He took the Metro to work, and I took another day off. I looked on the web, and found a Q & A site that gave some tips. They looked helpful:

“The battery is located behind a panel in the wheel well of the front driver's side. The owner's manual says you can turn the wheel outward towards the left as far as possible and get to it, but they must think we all own a garage lift.

If you need to do it again, which I think is unlikely, get the jack out of your trunk, because you are going to have to remove the front driver's side tire and wheel to have enough room to work here. You will also need a Phillips head screwdriver to remove the panel, which has about 8 - 10 screws holding it in place.

The panel cover is located at the front of the wheel well, to your left, on the engine compartment side.

Then: Remove all the screws, pull the panel cover off, unhook the battery cables, (you'll need a wrench for that) and replace the battery.

Check and make sure that there is power to the vehicle before you button everything up again. Turning the key should do it.”

Seemed simple enough, and my son was eager to learn how to do it. I didn't blame him, but it wasn't anything I wanted to do in the dark, even if I was just instructing. I called him and said I would take care of it. I would take notes, and that way he would have the process in case he had to do it again.

I drove over around ten, figuring I could knock the job out in less than an hour and still make my luncheon engagement. I mean, how complicated could it be? I must have swapped out a dozen batteries in my driving life.

I took the truck and had my tools. The steps I found on the web were all correct, but they didn't say anything about the chill wind, or the thin sunshine in my eyes, or the gloves that made my fingers work like plump sausages.

Just getting the jack, jack handle, spare tire and such re-stowed took ten minutes or more, but it is done properly. None had ever been used before, virgin equipment on an eight-year-old car.

I tried to take notes on the process, starting out efficiently on a little pad with a pencil in my black gloves:

“The disassembly process is interesting. Once the car is on the jack (ensure the safety brake is on) and the front tire removed (careful to retain a look-out for the five lug nuts), there is a very faint outline of a battery on a molded sheet of plastic which wraps around the interior of front well in front of the exposed brake mechanism. It is attached to the structure of the wheel well by four sheet metal screws with washers. The foot of the shield is attached directly to the plastic of the bumper assembly with metal screws without washers.

Use a power screwdriver. It will make this part of the job much easier.

Retain a good look-out on all the screws. They are the color of the asphalt and may have an opportunity to wander away as you squirm inside the wheel well, being careful not to jostle the car and make it collapse on the hub, brake assembly and your upper leg.

You will have to fish the plastic shield out of its place. It bend. Not the placement for the return process.

Gather all the screws together with your tools and place them in the shield, which acts as a sort of basket to keep them together.

Peer at the f**king battery, which rests on a sheet metal ledge, firmly bolted into position with a heavy metal strap. The lower screw will be somewhat corroded from road salt, but it will back out with sufficient torque. Try to have a ratchet set with you; it is much easier than an adjustable wrench, which adjusts itself when you touch the knurled knob and could cause you to strip the face of the heavy nut. When you get it off, place it in the shield we are using as a tray.

The positive battery cable is to the left, and has a red plastic cover. The ground is the black terminal on the right. The cables are bolted into the side of the battery, not the top, and the way the unit fits in, they form the back of the unit.

Try to work the metal screw that connects the top of the steel retaining strap to the top of the battery housing. Unless you are a better man than me, the glare from the sun directly into your eyes makes it impossible to see. Even in daylight, a flashlight is a good idea. Go ahead and unscrew the bolts into the black terminal, and realize you have actually screwed the nut out of the rubber housing.

Curse once, and set aside. With a small screwdriver, it can be re-inserted later with a prying motion like the bead of a bicycle tire.

Pry off the red plastic cover from the red (positive) terminal and unscrew, being careful not to screw it out of the rubber housing at the end of the cable.

The battery is now held in place only by the top screw that connects the strap to the top of the battery mount. Curse, shrug, and bend it up backwards. It should be able to take the stress a few more times, and if it ever needs another battery, remember to take a ratchet set to do the job.

With the strap up out of the way, you can leverage the battery itself back off the ledge. It will hang up on the cables, and the strap, and threaten to drop to your lop, or the street, whichever comes first. Try to avoid hitting the brake assembly. When the last bit of the bottom of the battery comes clear of the ledge it will be instantly very heavy. Be alert and it is no problem.

Now, the job is just about putting the new one in.

Carry the old battery up to the porch and put it next to the new one, being careful to touch it as little as possible since it is filled with extremely caustic acid. Take the new battery back to the car, which is perched on the little jack stand with a plastic shield next to it filled with assorted parts. Curse the Chrysler engineering and styling teams.

When done, sink once more to your knees and get in a position where you can lift the battery up and attempt to slide it onto the ledge. Bump head on inner well when truck lid blows closed with a slamming sound. Resolve to replace the hydraulic lifting struts sometime.

Turn attention back to job at hand. Peer in gloom. Be careful of the cables, which will try to get pushed behind the battery and get caught. The bent strap will also give some problems, but steady upward pressure while fishing around with the other hand to clear the battery cables and the bent strap will enable you to snake it onto the ledge. Once the weight is resting on the ledge take a minute and ensure that everything that needs to be on the back and outside the battery is where it is supposed to be.

Then, press gently on the battery until it is halfway in and it snags on something in the battery housing. Curse. Snake yourself as far into the wheel well as you can to see what is hanging it up. Observe that the little plastic caps on the top terminals of the battery appear to be just a tad too tall to fit.

Consider taking the battery out of the housing and removing the plastic tops before realizing that will put the top positive terminal in connection with the metal frame, which will drain the power. Curse silently, and then, very gently, apply the heel of the right hand to the left side of the battery with a sharp rap. Notice that the battery slides slightly inward. Place an equal rap on the right side, noting that side moves as well.

Swell heart with exultation. Hit it a couple more times, firmly but gently, being careful not to be too violent with it, which could crack the battery case or knock the car off the jack onto the brake assembly, the hub, and your leg.

Once the battery is in place, it is a simple process in reversing the disassembly process. First, re-insert the negative battery terminal lug nut in the rubber housing with a small screwdriver, leaning deep into the wheel well. Screw into place for a while before realizing the black terminal has a black plastic cap on it which is invisible in the gloom of the wheel well. Remove the cap. Screw in the negative terminal.

Do the same procedure with the red (positive) battery cable, being certain that the plastic protective cap has been removed this time. With both cables in place, it is time to see if there is a positive charge form the battery to the vehicle. Squirm back out of the wheel well and open the door to the car, being careful not to put too much weight on the jack to avoid collapse. The awkward angle of leaning in to insert the key will cause you to activate the panic alarm.

Do not be concerned. The loud beeping noise is the first indication that the battery has been successfully installed and is operating properly. Turn the key, and ensure that the motor starts.

Turn off engine, remove key, and wonder what to do about the loud honking sound. It is emanating from the wheel well, and is awfully loud. Think for a moment and then unscrew the negative battery lug until the ground connection is broken and the horn stops. Two "Hail Marys" are more than sufficient at this point. Screw the negative terminal back in, and decide that if it worked before, it will probably work again. Torque it well.

Look at the bent strap and bend it back down so that the thick bolt almost fits where it used to. Consider the consequences of not securing it, and then press awkwardly down with the left hand while trying to keep the bolt inserted in the strap and turning simultaneously while turning with the adjustable wrench, which is adjusting itself as you try to turn the bolt.

Re-adjust the wrench. Drop bolt to ground. Repeat as necessary.

When by luck the bolt actually threads itself, merrily turn the motherf**ker until it is nice and tight and will never, ever, let the battery get loose. Go ahead and over torque the SOB.

Empty the wheel well shield of the assorted parts and tools and fish it back up into the wheel well. It will be a challenge, since it has to fit inside the plastic bumper cover. Try it several ways until it works. Retrieve power screwdriver. Drive the metal screws with washers into the upper mounting holes, leaving them finger-loose until all the screws have found their original holes. Then, proceed from the lowest hole to the one highest up, alternating the screws like you tighten a drum head so that pressure us equal on all screws and the shield seats properly.

Stand up and roll the tire back and re-mount it on the lugs. Hand-screw the lug nuts until they are barely in contact with the wheel. Alternate tightening as you did in the wheel well, so that the wheel seats properly, tightening slightly at the twelve o'clock position, then six o'clock, two o'clock, ten o'clock, four o'clock before returning to the twelve o'clock position. Tighten gradually until the nuts will no turn on a firm but not violent turn of the tire-iron wrench.

Lower the jack until the car is once more resting on the tire. Kick jack out of the way, while unlocking driver's side door. Turn key in ignition, hoping the panic alarm does not come on, since the key fob de-activator is in your pocket at work.

Smile in relief as car starts normally. Turn it off.

Return to trunk and completely unload golf clubs, water-bottles, tennis balls, ball bats, towels, summer clothing and Christmas presents on the curb. Attempt to put the jack in the clever sheet metal rack. Forget to insert the jack-handle underneath. Repeat. Place emergency tire on top of assembly. Wonder idly how they expect us to drive around on that little god dam donut. Place metal spacing disk on top, then secure long mounting screw to slot "a" under the jack. Secure with large wing nut.

Take plastic spacing cone and position on top, narrow side up. Replace cover lid to spare tire well and align with the long mounting screw. Find that tire needs to be adjusted to make holes line up. Repeat.

Secure lid with conical mounting screw. Look at neat trunk. Replace crap in trunk.

Start car again just to make sure. Look at key. Open door and place it on the floor so the owner can find it later. Lock car.

Go home. Take a shower to wash off grime and acid, washing hands carefully to ensure no battery acid remains to rub on nose, eyes, or hair.

Go to lunch. Contemplate what you might want to do to the entire Chrysler engineering staff. Whoever thought this placement up should be clubbed like a baby seal.

I think this is part of what is wrong with everything these days. It is way too complicated. But at least my son is Back in Battery.