20 November 2008
DID YOU KNOW?
(Bob Barker)
OK- I got it.
You have suffered through the Bonus Army, and more than a few have sampled the offers, interspersed with bouts of small but profound sadness and wonder at the ways of the wider world. One Big Pink friend skims these things for portents about how I am doing, and if I am likely to be cooking on any particular evening, or huddled under my desk wondering about the consequences of the global meltdown.
It is better when I am cooking the lemon chicken, or slow cooking a nice brisket of beef, Texas style. I am going to wade down into the audience here, just like Bob Barker on the Price is Right in just a minute, so you can skip down to the tear line if time is short this morning.
I was thinking about chickens the other day- you know, chicken in every pot and all that. Our needs were a lot simpler not so long ago, and no one made you feel guilty for not continuing to spend like a drunken sailor, which, being a sailor and drunk periodically, I resent.
Anyway, I need to thank an associate who contributed an exceptional recipe for the Lemon Chicken a la Matt, by the way, which is elegant and simple. You might like it:
Lemon Chicken a la Matt
Ingredients: One chicken
One lemon
Head of colossal garlic
Fresh Rosemary
Kosher or Sea Salt
One stick real Creamery Butter
Directions:
Unwrap Chicken and try not to think too hard about the nature of life. Certainly looks naked, doesn’t it? Why do they call that thing the Pope’s Nose, anyway?
Find where they hid that little back of unmentionables. Discard or reserve for stock if you have the energy
Cut lemon in half. Jam one side into the cavity of the chicken while looking away and whistling a happy tune and not thinking about the food chain.
Slice garlic bulb in half- don’t sweat the details- and insert with rosemary
Take other half of lemon, juice side in, and plug the cavity
Rub exterior of bird with butter and pat down with salt
Place chicken breast-side up on a roasting rack in a shallow pan to catch drippings
Roast at 320 degrees until golden brown and the house smells wonderful and the drippings are rich with savory spices. Pull from oven and allow to cool.
On stovetop, combine drippings with the delicate roué of real butter and flower. Oh, OK, with the flower you dissolved in cooled free-range chicken stock you have simmered for hours from the little package in the bird- no, seriously, OK, from the can of stock, and make the best damn savory gravy you have ever tasted. If you have boiled some little Yukon Gold new potatoes and mashed ‘em up with butter and milk, skins and all, and cut the cooled bird into quarters with poultry shears, discarding the lemon-garlic-rosemary stuffing, you are in for a treat.
There is something easier, though, if there is no time or inclination to cook, based on the terrifying economic news from overseas, you might want to try this.
Texas Brisket a la Vic
One brisket of beef, fresh or from the just-expired frozen locker at the Commissary. Actually, a tri-tip or flank works just as well. Whatever.
One packet Lipton Onion Soup
Sea Salt
Fresh Ground Pepper
Four cloves garlic, stripped and crushed
Five or six good hits of Franks Louisiana Hot Sauce
Four or five good hits of Worchester sauce or Liquid Smoke- but watch yourself on the smoke- it can be overwhelming.
Directions:
Come back from the Commissary after a disquieting meeting with the Customer at your local air base. Stop at residence to refrigerate perishables. Grab a long sheet of Reynold’s-brand aluminum foil and place on the counter with the cans of free-range chicken stock and the other crap you are going to get to when you have time to concentrate on the chicken this weekend. Strip off a few close of garlic and nuke ‘em in the microwave so that the goodness just pops out of the husk. Throw in the general direction of the foil. Organize the rest of the groceries so that whatever is hiding in the back of the fridge is well concealed, including the salad stuff you didn’t get to last week. Unwrap the brisket, fresh or frozen, it doesn’t matter. Idiot customers. Place fat-side up in the middle of the foil sheet and dump the rest of the stuff on top, Pat it down so that the other ingredients are relatively well distributed, who cares? Quickly fold the foil so that the top and sides are joined and sealed. If the brisket is too big for that to happen, based on how quickly you ripped the sheet off the roll, get another sheet and wrap it so the seams don’t overlap. Did you know there are little tabs at both ends of the box that will keep the foil roll in place and aligned with the cutting edge? Don’t feel like an idiot. It is a secret. Turn on oven to 185 degrees. Put the rest of the groceries away. Place foil pouch with brisket in the well-seasoned cast-iron fry pan in the middle of the oven. Check time and plan on coming back tomorrow. The stupid oven will warn you that it has been twelve hours and you don’t want that at three in the morning. Defeat the stove by re-setting the oven timer before bed if you remember and do it at three, cursing, if you don’t. Remove fry pan from oven the next morning while cooking eggs and wondering about the latest bad news on the Asian and European markets. Do we need US Automakers, really? Slice a hole in the edge of the pouch and drain liquid into a measuring cup or cocktail glass or whatever looks clean. Reserve for brisket gravy later, after chilling to remove fat. Refrigerate brisket so that it will slice into luscious thin slices once you get done with the working day and you drag your butt back into the place wondering if cooking is worth it or you should just pour a stiff one and go out on the balcony and look at the dying glow of the sunset. There are some side-dishes your could cook but why bother. Voila!
Anyhow, this is the part where we walk down into the audience and get you involved! God knows, you know far more about me than anyone would ever want. Can I give the PIN number for my ATM card?
But seriously, this is cool. The following comes to me from an alert reader in Alaska. You may have seen one of these questionnaires before, as I have, but there was a hook in this one. My correspondent suggested that I would be one of the three people likely to respond.
Shoot. I always return my phone calls, and I always look carefully to see if the e-mail is “to me” or if I am just a “cc:” The real fallof the West will commence if I don't. There was no escape from this one, and it was actually sort of useful, since I am hitting the road in a few days to meet some obligations to the living and dead.
I do not want to embark on another half-baked historical saga right now, and the trip has several moving parts. I don’t want to fly- it would be several flight segments at outrageous prices- and thus have rented a Lincoln Town Car on the executive plan of a company I used to work for. Of the many things that vast rolling chunk of Americana is, it is not optimized for Towns. It is much more like renting the couch in the living room, equipping it with wheels, and hurling it down the highway.
So with half a brain on the road and half on my computer, I answered the questions. I recommend you do, too, and follow the damn instructions. I am including a tear line so that the secret recipes don’t get out. People are counting on you.
Copyright 2008 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com
(Tear Line)
3 THINGS ABOUT ME...
Three jobs I have had:
1) Nuclear Weapons Command and Control Officer
2) College Textbook Salesman
3) Ski Patroller
Three places I have lived:
1) Yokosuka, Japan
2) Honolulu, Hawaii
3) San Diego, Ca
Three shows that I watch:
1) Sarah Conner Chronicles
2) True Blood
3) John Adams
Three places I have been:
1) Pyongyang
2) Yangon (Rangoon)
3) Delhi
Three places I have been this week:
1) Home
2) Work
3) The District
Three of my favorite foods:
1) Lemon Chicken
2) Real Mashed Potatoes and gravy
3) Slow-cooked beef brisket
Three places I'd rather be right now:
1) New Mexico
2) Northern Michigan
3) San Diego
Three things I would rather be doing:
1) Reading
2) Sleeping
3) (withheld on grounds of delicacy)
Three friends I think will respond:
1) Robin
2) Muhammed
3) Mike
Three things I am looking forward too:
1) Getting out of town
2) Coming back to town
3) Finding the next dog
Now, here's what you're supposed to do... And please do not spoil the fun. Hit forward, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you.
Important safety tip: Don't forget to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Copyright 2008 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com