The Head Shed got the note last night. It was forwarded by a source who has reported reliably in the past, and the alert was sent shortly before the President came on. Mr. Socotra wanted the word out, generally, but specifically wanted to know how to step up to the new….sorry. Almost used one of those words that can attract algorithm attention. That is why the Compliance Department was called in to get specific guidance on how Socotra House LLC can be fully onboard with the Department of Homeland Security, which by report is being very pro-active in keeping our nation strong and safe. In order to do so, we may wind up bankrupt. But as Mr. Socotra observed as a good and loyal citizen, “We gotta get with the program.”
The obvious question for the strangely balanced table was “what program are you talking about, Boss?” The Production SVP has to sit through the whole meeting, much to her dismay.We were going to run two chapters of Marlow’s new book this week. Nothing controversial there, just good down-home thoughts about “exploring old places that are new.”
Mr. Socotra clearly was hoping for more. He had actually printed something on paper, and waved it with some drama before placing it firmly on the green cover of the long table. It was slightly smeared, since the new ink cartridge set had not arrived due to the COVID…well, you know.
Compliance people normally sit at the distant end, reflecting their order of presentation in the usual meetings. The spaces for HR, Legal and Editorial were vacant, and the Boss was clearly unsettled by the change. He gestured at the paper on the table and said “Here it is. Now, tell me what the plan is to be compliant?”
There was confusion, of course, not unusual in the morning editorial meetings, but due to the empty seats, the Chief of Compliance had to get up, walk up the table, pick up the paper, drop it into the scanner in the corner while waving at the most junior compliance officer to open the attachment, copy it in .pdf format, paste it onto the PowerPoint program, trim it a bit for clarity, then forward to “All.” That took longer than it would have to simply read it aloud, but we are clearly in a state of…oops. Sorry. Ran into another of those words we may- or may not- be able to use for the reading public.
Re-inventing the English Language was slightly beyond the advertised scope of the meeting, and could easily go right through the luncheon hour.
Once most of the group mostly had the PowerPoint slides loaded (three were overdue for OS upgrades, five had allowed the Micro-soft Office for Mac 2005 license to lapse, and two had low battery alerts) an earnest discussion could begin once everyone clustered within viewing range of the single screen available. If anyone actually wanted to read the document, Portable Document File (.pdf) format is available by clicking on the link, though that would violate long-standing Socotra House policy to avoid clicking on anything:
(Sorry. A rep from the Legal team told us to delete the link, since mention of any of the words could result in being flagged by social media investigators at the Postal Service. Collection of such material by the Government that issued it used to require a warrant, but is now considered “user commercial information” which can be further sequestered for investigation, like former Mayor Giuliani).
There were some highlighted words with a line under them, but they did not seem to convey meaningful information. As you might imagine, without clicking on the attachment, the warning was a little strange, but clicking on strange things is one of the first issues the Compliance Department addressed with vigor, forcing some employees to leave the buildings and Google search on their phones, which are forbidden in the company working spaces.
The meeting thus found itself huddled around an F-150 pickup truck (“Made in America! Except or the Canadian and Mexican parts!”) near the loading dock with a clear view to the Verizon satellite in low earth orbit. It took a while, and some members of the group noted that break time, when they would normally step to the parking entrance to smoke, was passing. They lit up a collective Marlboro to consider if an additional break would be provided by management in substitution for lost time- or rather, lost lost time.
That rapidly led to a discussion about Unionizing compliance work, and if the new Emerg…sorry. “The Newest Really Good Suggestion enforceable by law” which mandates $15 an hour for contract workers in key Government jobs. Management responded that all employees had been re-categorized as independent contractors due to campaign rhetoric and California law, and hence entitled (sorry, not sure if that is permitted language) to whatever it was Management thought about paying that day.
Mr. Socotra sighed, since that had not been about compliance compliance, but rather was about a severe but non-specific warning, and to remember to say something to somebody in case we got alarmed. “We are all fine,” said Mr. Socotra with a smile. “No problems here.”
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