We were going to have an Editorial Board Meeting this morning. That would justify a lot of activity that might be of marginal use, would keep stuff flowing in the pipeline we can deny later, and make us feel good with the idea that the enterprise will continue to shamble forward. You know, the way most of us think about America.
So, we sat down and while we organized our devices and coffee cups, Legal turned to Compliance and muttered, “So didja’ see the President yesterday?” It being easier to eavesdrop on others than risk an opinion that could be used against you years in the future, heads turned to observe. Silence was broken by the clearing of a throat, all being fully aware that future events could color current opinion.
“Well, yeah. We tuned in to see The Five on Fox like usual, and Mr. Biden was right there reading something off the teleprompter.”
Suddenly a new voice, unafraid, bounced off the corrugated walls of the conference room around the Long Green Table. “It needs a couple Footnotes to preface this discussion.”
The speaker was a bright young thing, suitably androgynous in presentation. You could feel an “x” lurking in whatever self-identified persona “they” had assumed prior to the meeting. It was refreshing to have something correct in the room. “They” continued with confidence. “Let’s get this straight. We are not going to start with some sort of ill-considered rhetoric implying that the Commander in Chief is having trouble communicating. He is not- and we use that pronoun in deference to however they decided to present themselves this morning.”
“How many Presidents are there?” said one voice, but softly.
“You see where you got without a footnote? We should start by feeling fairness. We have no idea how much effort it is to get the one President to be able to get through an important policy statement. It takes hours of practice reading the prepared script, the precise dosage to stimulate lucidity, and the fact that they got it pretty close yesterday.”
We all decided to nod in agreement, since that seemed easier than attempting to disagree.
“So, you can see the challenge to the Footnote Department. First, we need to support the idea that appearing in public at all is a significant achievement. The comparison to the extended series of appearances last week at the G7 indicates just how much work goes into these performances.”
“Yeah, but what about the message he presented?”
“Easy. Footnote 2. You have to understand that as difficult as it is, there is an important public safety issue to be addressed. Since we can’t really talk about the actual issue, we have to present a strawman that can be defended, even if it has little to do with the actual problem.”
“Which is what? The President kept talking about armored deer and hundred-round magazines on hunting rifles?”
Footnotes smiled. “That is the strawman, and it was done well. Who here at the table is opposed to mass shootings?” There was only a brief pause, and many hands went cautiously upward. “See? A matter on which we can all agree. It is about unity.”
“Yeah, but we aren’t having a unity crisis. We are having a whole bunch of people get shot.”
“Precisely. That would lead to Footnote 3, which is that although most of the shooting incidents happen in municipalities that have been run by one party, uninterrupted, for more than a half century. Some of them much longer. Since those areas are vital to the continuity of government, we need to find an important and logical answer that resonates, even if it has little to do with the actual issue.”
“So all that Second Amendment and armored deer references were nonsense?”
“Not at all. Footnote 4 would suggest that the issues about the Second Amendment are that the population shouldn’t need more than single-shot muskets to control secondary species populations on the nation’s farms. The idea that modern sporting rifles are exclusively intended for varmint control is an important point.”
“That isn’t the point of the Second amendment at all. The guys that wrote it had just completed a successful rebellion against the foremost global power of the day. Read it some time. Or the Federalist Papers about what is behind the two clauses in the Amendment- a well regulated militia is necessary. Accordingly, the right of the people to keep and carry arms should not be infringed.”
The Footnote Person smiled. “We already have a footnote to that issue and it is prominently posted on the website. The question is whether an unregulated armed mob is a good thing is answered in the first part. The second point is that since armed groups of people are useful for the common good, the right of the people to have firearms is not subject to infringement.”
“So, wouldn’t it be better to have all the guns in one place, ready to be issued in case the Government needs them?”
“Oh course. That is a Footnote in the basic understanding. We need to confiscate all weapons to protect the people.”
“Does that include all weapons? What about the useful tools that are sometimes misused?”
“Our most recent FBI data from 2018 indicates more people were killed with knives, hammers, clubs and even feet than rifles.”
“We are working on a footnote for that. But refer to existing basic Footnotes. We are opposed to violence, regardless of where it starts.”
“So that is what the President was saying?”
“We are not sure. But we do believe that something needed to be said, even if it isn’t about what the problem is.”
“So what was the problem again? Our section gets confused.” It was from Legal, so we listened.
“That is because you have not practiced and the medication is clearly wrong.”
Chairman Socotra glanced at his Rolex watch and sighed. “OK, Footnotes has got this one. Any objections? Remember, Silence is violence.”
Silence met the Chairman’s declaration, and there was some minor discussion as devices, cups and writing utensils were gathered. It being Thursday, a traditional burger day in the little city four miles away, it might have been about lunch, but that would require a footnote on fuel use to get there, relative nutritional value in meal selection , and avoidance of refreshing beverages while there. We understand Footnotes is working on it.
Copyright 2021 Vic Socotra
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