You know what is coming as well as I do, so I won’t belabor the point. Maybe it is a recovery and maybe it ain’t. Remember, this is mostly a psychological drill, at least for Wall Street. If you feel good, you act good. I am as tired of the continuing crisis as I am of the stupid winter, so we are going to have some fun for a minute.

So, unemployment is down a little according to the numbers yesterday, and everyone is smiling and the market continues to lurch up a bit.

I don’t claim to understand it all, except for the feeling dread, since this recovery seems to be fueled by that little Bernanke fellow cranking out bogus dollars and dumping them into one end of the money supply, permit me to be a little skeptical about the general durability of this enterprise. Still, like the housing bubble, we are along for the ride whether we like it or not, so we may as well enjoy it as long as it goes on.

What goes up, must come down, right? I am betting that when Mr. Bernanke gets done with his quantitative easing this summer the party will be over. Accordingly, there is a certain urgency to all this, just as there is about getting a new jug of propane fuel for the grill down at the farm.

It is time to review some basics, both for safeguarding the pathetic amount of money put aside for the retirement we probably won’t get and review the tips for making something decent to eat.  I would call Warren Buffet and ask him what to do, and I think he would probably say something like “go short, and set aside $30 billion in cash reserves.”

Useful, I suppose, but there are some more generalities that might be more applicable for the situation. I asked around for a smart person who might have some general tips that would outline the way forward. A pal out west suggested Peter Lynch, who was one of the original Motely Fools.

He has outperformed the market consistently over the last couple of decades, and his underlying principle is that smart investing is more about guts- stomach for risk, if you will- more than it is about smarts.

I think that if you shop smart, and cook well, the stomach part of the equation will take care of itself. Peter says: “any normal person using three percent of their brain can pick stocks just as well as” the carnivorous morons who inhabit The Street. “Stop listening to professionals,” he says, and that of course, goes for the crap I put out.

One this about this though is clear: your portfolio may not do that well, but you are going to have a decent burger at the end of the day.

1. Know what you own and what you are going to cook.
That is the first and most basic principle of all this. My pal out West challenged me answer the easiest one. What do you already own? What is in your 401k? I did not have a clue, and after stammering that there were, like, three funds in the one fund I hadn’t rolled over from some other job, the Euro-centric one, from the days when I thought the Euro was the way of the future, and a bunch of panic-purchased blue chips in another.

I actually took a look at the Prospectus information and was surprised that most of the stocks that made up the portfolio were things I had independently liked. For the burger, it is the same deal. DO NOT buy that pre-packed crap. I won’t go in to the horror story of where it comes from, except to note that it is exactly like derivatives and credit default swaps. Ground beef at the store is like the third trenche of a Collateralized Debt Obligation and just as toxic.

If you don’t grind your own beef, have the butcher do it for you. That is a bit like hiring a broker, and no one does that any more, but what the hell. Ask for a sirloin steak or rib-eye with fat-to-meat at about a quarter to three. This is, like the portfolio, the single most critical aspect to the whole process.  Be generous With the salt and pepper and your attention. Add onions to the food processor when you are grinding the meat, and a dash of Worcestershire sauce and some hot Korean pepper.

By the way, you can use the food processor to make a perfectly good patty out of chickpeas and avoid the messy argument about the food chain and exactly what our place in it is as a species. That would take us down the line of the falafel-burger, and that is an honorable way to go. We will get to that some other day, but it is a slightly different deal and a challenge for the grilling part.

2. The smart guys- the ones that the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York has not put in jail- have already scooped up the easy profits. We cannot predict what they have done, or what Mr. Bernanke is doing by the coal chute out back, so don’t bother trying. DO NOT squeeze the meat with your spatula. Leave the juices in both stocks and burgers.

Trying to time the market is futile. Set up a financial plan that allocates your assets based on your risk tolerance, which you have already done by not buying that store-bought toxic ground beef. Be able to sleep at night. Resist the impulse make the patties smooth.

3. You have plenty of time to identify and recognize exceptional companies and put the beef- once you have made the patties- back in the fridge to cool before cooking. Let other people do the heavy lifting. Do not apply pressure to the patties- you can form them with the lid to a Hellman’s-brand mayonnaise jar- though you really ought to save one from an empty jar, since you are going to feel pretty foolish standing there with you perfectly-formed patty smeared with premium ground beef and a quarter of a jar of perfectly good Hellman’s on the counter in front of you.

The lesson of Wal-Mart, Microsoft, and Amazon.com? You don’t need to immediately jump into the hot stock you just heard about. You are at least a lap behind the smart guys. There’s plenty of time to do your research first. They are all in the portfolios I bought without thinking.

4. Avoid long shots. When I was in government some concerned citizens in expensive suits came to see my boss, and he was way too busy, so he would send them down the hall to talk to me. These wise guys had what they claimed was an injectable antidote for radiation poisoning, a matter that I considered really important, considering that the government official position was that Bin Laden and his boys were going to detonate a radiological device in New York or Washington. I did not allocate any of your tax dollars toward the project, you are very welcome, but I did invest in it after I retired. It was a freaking scam, those bastards.

5. Good management is very important; a well-run P&L is a good thing indeed. Run your portfolio and your kitchen with due diligence. good businesses matter more. Peter Lynch says it best: “Go for a business that any idiot can run – because sooner or later, any idiot is probably going to run it.” Same thing for your kitchen. Procter & Gamble is an example, for what reason I don’t know, but it turns out I own some. Keep your grill hot. The point, when you take the patties out of fridge, is to sear the crap out of both sides and keep the juice in.

6. Be flexible and humble, and learn from mistakes. Hitting safely four times out of ten gets you to Cooperstown.

7. Before you make a purchase or grill, you should be able to explain why you’re going it. This is nothing you should be doing all the time. It is special, since where we sit on the food pyramid has the spiky part that will poke you in an ample buttock if you do as anything except an occasional treat. And speaking of he pointy end of the food pyramid, dimple the patty.

When it cooks on that blazing hot grill, the meat contracts, and can leave you with a rounded, uneven burger. Push a thumb in the middle of the patty. This is the only exception to the don’t squeeze the little buggers. Make the dimple an inch or two around and a quarter-inch deep. You will be amazed to discover that the burger will be perfectly flat when they’re finished cooking.

Resist the inclination to push things around on the grill trying to prove you know what you are doing. Touch it as little as possible.

8. There’s always something to worry about. Do you really know what you are doing? Is the threat real? Hell yes. Over time, though, the market has always come back. The problem is the Keynes Corollary: in the long run, we are dead. Enjoy yourself, but don’t spend all your time doing it. All things in moderation, including moderation.

Minimize risk by ensuring that the components are the freshest and the best you can get. The bun is half the deal. Carbs may be our collective enemy, but if you are going to splurge, do it right. Try Kaiser rolls from the Heidelberg Pastry Shoppe. I defy you to not feel good after a visit there, and they do all sorts of German sausage on their own grill in season, right in front of the shop. Don’t park in the joke of a postage stamp lot in front- your car will get creamed. Use the school lot down the block. Heidleburg is located off the Lee Highway at Culpeper Street. The farm is in Culpeper. Coincidence? I don’t freaking think so.

While you are there, try the Laugen Brotchen, theoval-shaped soft pretzel roll with salt on top with a brat. Did I mention you can do brats on the grill at the same time? And cheese. Don’t get me started on the cheese part, but don’t do all the melting on the grill. Just get it started to soften, and let the burgers rest a minute or two one they come off the grill. The cheese will not have run off into the burger and onto the grill, and will be nice and soft and appealing when it gets to the table.

Kinds of cheese? Knock yourself out. As “Long Charlie” de Gaulle cogently observed, you cannot possibly hope to govern a nation with 365 types of cheese and he didn’t try.

There is the matter of the toppings, which would make a ninth category of both smart investments and what tops the perfect burger. I would remind you that the Glory that was Rome was fleeting, and all empires have their time in the sun, and their Vandals and Visigoths that bring the clouds. But the Italians are still living better than we are, if you count the time at the table, and the odd glass of wine, so eat and drink up.

Besides the standards — lettuce, tomatoes, pickles — try at least five or six other, less common options. You can always ask your broker if you run out of airspeed and ideas all at the same time.

Time to grill. Gas on!

Copyright 2011 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com