It is a frigid morning here in Washington. The dawn has not broken yet, and the half-moon is trying to penetrate the gray haze. It is Michigan weather visiting us here, pulling up a chair and wrapping us in cold embrace. It was in the single digits last night, and the wind chill is right down at zero. It will be a long walk in from the parking lot to the office later this morning. All sorts of odd things are happening as a consequence of the prolonged chill. A Blue Line Metro Train derailed on the inbound track for yesterday’s morning commute. There were no injuries but hundreds of policy memoranda may have been significantly delayed.

The TV ominously talked about exterior water fixtures freezing solid, expanding and bursting. Concerned media personalities stressed the importance of cracking the valve on the tap to ensure that water would flow uninterrupted through the line. Bob Ryan, the TV Four weather guesser, also advised opening the cabinet doors below the sink to ensure that the pipes get maximum heat from the house. I imagine kitchens all over the metro area have yawning doors and an increased number of barked shins this morning.

It has been below freezing for most of the week, with one brief foray into the upper 30’s on Monday. The whole country is locked in cold dense air, the product of a jet stream that is flowing in an unusual southern pattern. It is global in impact. The freezing jet has affected northern India, as well, where the population is ill equipped to deal with low temperatures and thousands are affected, many slipping into hypothermia. There are warnings here, too, to be on the lookout for folks who appear listless or disoriented so authorities might intervene.

McDonalds reported a net operating loss for the first time in corporate history. Management is reporting that patrons of the hamburger chain have become disoriented and are eating low-fat fast-food at Subway, where a young man has reported losing over 200 pounds by eating chicken submarine sandwiches. McDonald’s dodged a major bullet when a Federal judge threw out a suit claiming that the company was reponsible for their obesity. He said the litigants had probably been out in the wind chill too long and become disoriented.

It will be hard to distinguish hypothermia from business as usual at many offices across the city. Not true at the new Department of Homeland Security, where Tom Ridge was unanimously confirmed by the Senate to be the new Secretary and personally responsible for whatever comes next. Although there is no current disorientation, due to the budget crisis, his cadre of alert new employees are expected to report very early in Fiscal 2005.

Elsewhere, the BBC says that war is inevitable. Lorne Green, the Canadian actor who was the Dad on the western show “Bonanza” was a BB announcer at the beginning of WWII, but they had to pull him off the air because his stentorian voice was too alarming. It was disorienting the people. The voices are much more chipper, if equally fatalistic as they told us that foreign ministers of five adjoining states and Egypt are meeting in Istanbul this morning to discuss how they might avert the coming hostilities, a last ditch exercise in diplomatic irrelevancy.

None are close friends of Saddam, but spokesman say it is a try at a sort of family intervention. They say the Dictator has been exhibiting symptoms that look a lot like hypothermia. There could be time even now for some alteration of the inevitable. The Russians announced yesterday that the next Gulf War will begin in the middle of next month. Officials there declined to announce the precise minute or attack heading of the first wave on security grounds.

Saudi officials announced the capture of a suspect in the shooting of San Diego software executive Michael Rene Pouliot yesterday. Saudi border guards detained a Kuwaiti civil servant in his 20s named Sami al-Mutairi. The Kuwaitis said he had not acted alone. Also not acting alone, the World Economic Forum is opening in Davos, Switzerland, and the doughty Swiss have announced that they will shoot down any aircraft that strays near the resort. OpEd comment in the local papers there say that UN resolution 1441 is not enough to justify an invasion of Iraq. They are pretty feisty this morning, positively bellicose in defense of peace. They have announced that they may close their national airspace to military aircraft headed for the Gulf. Secretary Rumsfeld is said to have taken the matter under advisement, while closely observing his personal staff for signs of disorientation.

Also in the Gulf, 20 Czech soldiers- about ten percent of the deployed force- deserted their posts after meeting their Defense Minister. He opened his personal aircraft to them, and like their spiritual great-grandfather the Good Soldier Schwiek, headed home to take care of pressing personal matters. I am not sure I blame them. The heat has perhaps focused their minds, and they showed no signs of disorientation as they ran to the airplane. Czech authorities declined to intervene.

The number 20 also figures large in my life this morning. My older son’s birthday is today, part of the back-to-back birthday sequence. He is now at the penultimate birthday before he attains his majority. Next year he will be able to head downtown and order over the bar, competent to become disoriented on his own initiative. It has been amazing to watch him grow. Now he towers over me. I remember holding him in my arms for the first time two decades ago this day. He was born in a little hospital in the midst of the sugar cane and pineapple fields of Wahiawa, Hawaii. The dirt is red there in the middle of the Busy Island of O’ahu, what the original residents called “The Meeting Place.” It sticks to the shoes, or flip-flops, as the case may be, and is impossible to remove. In the islands a change of even a couple degrees is enough to break out the jackets and think about building a fire. In the winter it was not uncommon to see happy mainlanders bursting from the Arthur Godfr! ey Terminal at Honolulu International clad in halter-tops and shorts while the residents greeted them in heavy jackets. Even a moderate change from perfection can be disorienting. Almost as much as a first baby.

But in all the cascade of information this morning it was a small tidbit that may hold the key to unlocking the current situation. In Melbourne, Reuters reports that famed unseeded but lovely tennis star Anna Kournikova has settled one of the major debates at this year’s Australian Open. Although she did not advance in the opening rounds, at a press conference she announced the fabled tattoo on her back does not exist. The bandage on her back is only visible because she is wearing her tennis dress a little lower this year.

Media people are watching each other closely for additional signs of hypothermia.

Copyright 2003 Vic Socotra