(The “spellbinding mock history of the Department of Agriculture’s most secretive and vital agency.” A novel by Jim Geraghty. Photo Amazon).

I was looking around for a trash book to read after I pounded down the Monster Hunter’s International series earlier this month. I have a stack of great suggestions from my reading pals- but stumbled into a little gem of a book by columnist Jim Geraghty. He calls this romp through the Federal Bureaucracy “The Weed Agency.” I am about politicked out at the moment- I think you may have a vague sense of that- hahaha- but this one rings true and is a light and fun read, even with the footnotes.

The scope covers almost all my time in the Executive Branch Departments, Offices and Agencies, and the events ring true and just as surreal as the real thing.

The little-known USDA Agency of Invasive Species — founded by President Jimmy Carter — would like to reassure you that they rank among the most effective and cost-efficient offices within the sprawling federal bureaucracy. I was reminded powerfully of the inexorable nature of the institutions when a pal wrote me about the latest activities of the brand new Consumer Protection Agency this morning.

You know, the one chartered under the astonishing mess we call Dodd-Frank. That was supposed to fix the “two big to fail” financial industry, and was crafted by the ethically challenged Rep. Barney Frank (got his lover a plum job at Fannie Mae) and the eminently bribable Senator Chris Dodd (sweetheart loans from Nationwide Mortgage) in the magical time when we got all sorts of legislation crafted mostly by lobbyists of varying stripes, and which arguably were not read by anyone in their entirety.

The Affordable Care Act is the other, possibly more memorable experiment in non-governance.

Anyway, the first thing the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau did was scoop up the credit card numbers of most Americans to protect us better. Maybe they intend to scrutinize our purchases and make helpful recommendations for us. I thought it was curious at the time, the first thing on the agenda being to protect us by finding out a whole lot of information on us that I would prefer to keep between me and Google.

Anyway, I thought maybe they came to their senses or something as I had not heard much about them in a few months. Turns out they have been as busy as The Weed Agency. Last week, citing authority contained in Dodd-Frank, it passed a “rule” giving itself the power to shut down businesses through a cease-and-desist process. Important targets of the new rule are- get this- “Porn Stars, get rich quick schemes, and gun dealers.”

A “rule” is like a law. The regulators have to put it out for comment, but like the EPA, I don’t think they are listening, and there is no apparent way to stop them from doing it. The Feds published 3,659 new regulations last year, so they have been busy kids.

No one knows the precise cost of all the regulations- some try to bound the impact; the people who like expansive regulation say it amounts to a few dozen billion dollars. Skeptics put the number with more precision at $1.83 Trillion bucks.

Considering that the 2012 Gross Domestic Product was $15.8 Trillion. That is more than ten percent of the whole shooting match just to pay the bureaucrats.

Now hold your horses: I am not one who says there should be no regulation. There are plenty of areas where there is a real and compelling need for the Government to ensure that airplanes fly in the right places, the highways meet standards, and the food is pure. And wouldn’t it be nice to actually regulate those bastards on Wall Street who are still too big to fail and who are still getting richer than Croesus through manipulation and crony greed.

But here is how it really works. Remember the parade of agencies that visited a little manufacturing concern owned by a citizen with the temerity to apply to the IRS for tax-free status for an organization dedicated to the integrity of the ballot box? IRS, of course, but then BATF, OSHA and the FBI paraded through. It was clearly an attempt at intimidation, and I was proud of the woman who owns the place for standing up to the system.

But it much of the regulatory burden is not intentional political harassment. It is just a cloying, dragging burden.

Another pal wrote to tell me about one of his childhood pals. He went into the family business, which was financial planning. His dad left him the company. It was a small concern, but successful and that is the way the family liked it. They have a total of 7 people in the firm, but for all intents and purposes it is a one-man band. Following the imposition of Dodd-Frank, he found himself in a totally new inspection regime.

He has now been inspected 6 or 7 times since 2009. Each time the regulators show up, he has to basically shut down for a week or two; having only 7 people it is impossible to do what the Feds insist and actually work as well.

So far, they have charged him with significant violations of the regulations:

Failure to have a fully vetted equal opportunity employment plan (he hasn’t hired anyone in more than 20 years),

Failure to have a program for maternity leave (the only woman who works there is his mom who comes in some times to simply stay busy – she doesn’t get paid – she is 80+ – maternity isn’t one of her major concerns)

Failure to have a proper evacuation plan.

Conducting “false and misleading” advertising, to wit: the original sign his father had put up in 1939 had his name and the banner: “Member of the Regional Stock Exchange.” That exchange ceased to exist several years ago when it was swallowed by NASDAQ.

The sign was on the wall in the office. He had to take it down, and he was fined for the other grave violations. Since we pay for the salaries of the drones who fined him, they are fining us, too.

Meanwhile, my buddy says that there is nothing that they are doing that gives him any confidence at all that anything they are doing would allow them to detect a Bernie Madoff or give any hope that they would recognize a new and different investment bubble before it burst.

He spent one whole day with several of the guys trying to tell them procedurally how someone could cheat the system and hide it from them given current practices and rules and inspections; they sat and took notes, completely in over their heads.

And he doesn’t get to write off the 40 or so lost man-days of labor each of these inspections cost him. Oh well- the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is on the alert and taking care of us.

It is more fun to read The Weed Agency, since it is funny, and the rest of this is not. What Geraghty’s book showcases is a closed little world in which federal budgets steadily expand each year, inexorable and remorseless, where careers are built by upon the skill of rationalizing astronomical expenses, and where “the word ‘accountability’ sends roars of laughter through DC office buildings.”

Hahaha- it is not just a summer read. Like the bureaucracy, it is one for the ages.

Copyright 2014 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com
Twitter: @jayare303