I woke in Newton Falls, which considering that is where I went to sleep, worked out pretty well.

I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, about the weather. I am going to go introduce myself to my grandson. That is historic (for me) and he probably won’t mind that much. About the weather, that is something completely different. Northern Virginia took a body-slam the day before Thanksgiving, snow, slush, the whole deal. It warmed for the actual holiday and was pleasant and everything dried out. I assumed that would be the road northwest, too, but forget about it.

Pavement was dry as I passed across the Potomac and into Maryland for the long climb up to Sidling Hill and the Hole In the Wall east of Johnstown and the lovely snow-covered plateau of central Pennsylvania. The snow stuck up there, and drifted in places and when I stopped for gas at Somerset, the wind turned bitter cold. If I thought things were going to moderate with the passing of the front, I was seriously mistaken.

I did not intend to make the whole trip in one big gulp. I always did, for reasons of economy and time, but I am either slowing down a step or getting bored with the drive. I think I can count the hairpin turns on the road, end to end, from memory by now, having be plowing the roadways back and forth on holidays and rescue missions since the mid-1980s.

I booked a hotel in advance, located at the five hour point. I found it on the last trip to Michigan. I had got a late start and was intending to crash at that crazy old Motel near Strongsville, which if I was going to stare at a television and chain smoke, would have been fine.

A lot of things have changed in travel patterns- airport phobia, hotel paranoia- all that has gone away since I converted to vaping. It is quite refreshing. Now, the idea of sixty-year-old smoking room didn’t appeal that much. I got off to get some emergency gas and decided to just stay in Newton Falls. It turned out that the people are friendly, prices are cheap, town is mildly interesting and they have a working covered bridge. The Falls have become my go-to losing spot, eclipsing Cranberry, PA, east of Pittsburgh where there is a raffish Hoawrd Johnson’s that appeals to truckers and other riffraff like me.

The Hotel on Ohio Route 5 is clean and new- quite a change from the dumps I used to patronize when I was still smoking. I liked them because I could park the car in front of the door to my room, and even if it was non-smoking, there was no trek to the elevator, across the lobby to furtively puff around the corner from the main entrance.

I am sort of proud of myself. I did not remember the name of the chain and called the exit on the Ohio Turnpike up on Google Maps and read the label This internet stuff is great. It might have a future- they even had the phone number on the tag. I booked the room and plugged in the address on the Garmen GPS on the dash, and watched the miles count down. When I got off the big road I was alarmed to discover there was ice on the roads and it was really freaking chilly in the brisk breeze.

This winter crap is for the birds.

As part is reviving its popular, long-running “Stay Smart” message with two new spots on the television. They follow the familiar formula, in which average people find themselves magically endowed with remarkable talents thanks to a great night of budget-hotel sleep (yeah, right).

One spot features a talented acupuncturist who turns out to be a well-rested and oddly presumptuous delivery man, and his patient, who is a woman of great beauty and surprisingly (or perhaps appropriately) relaxed about the whole thing. (Still, there has to be a lawsuit in there.)

The other spot features a genius mathematician who solves an impossible (and, in reality, non-existent) problem—even though he’s actually just a visiting parent. Even worse, his daughter is a dance major. Because, ha ha, come on, why can’t your kids study something real?

The original campaign, which featured commercials ending in the line “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night,” ran for 11 years, starting in 1998. I may be just a broken down old vet, but grandfather did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Copyright 2014 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com