Editor’s Note: It is the Fall Back Morning, and a certain jet-lag or all of us is common. Marlow has provided us a perspective on larger issues, which is welcome, like the Oregon health official who gave the weekly COVID briefing in clown-face. The other news is predictable, doubts swirling about the latest hysterical or buoyant polls. 91 million of us have already voted, and many, like me, are tired of the panoply and gyrations in the public square. I was bold enough to voice an opinion on a weekly Zoom call with some pals who go back to high school. It is useful, since we come from the same place but are now scattered from the Swamp to the Pacific Northwest. I made my best guess known, so I could be held accountable for it. Based on all-source analysis, I think it is possible that the mystery will be revealed by midnight on the 3rd of this month- two days away. I also said this was an election like no other before it, propelled by stimulating truth and lies enabled by techno-gadgetry. So it is possible that it will wind up in a tangle that will take weeks or months to unravel. I guess we will see, right?

– Vic
Arrangements

A college classmate called last month to report a funeral memorial service he attended which featured a clown. It was either in Arizona or Nevada — I can’t recall which one, since my nightly bourbon was shooting errantly out of my nose while I laughingly listened to his tale.

The deceased was my interlocutor’s neighbor from across the street. This gentleman had been a raging, alcohol-fueled, hail fellow well met kind of guy. It seems that his spirited wife thought it would be in keeping with his persona to hire a funeral clown to keep the mood upbeat. ISYN.

The funeral service was conducted at the funeral home and was led by the funeral home director. All people who stepped up to eulogize the deceased were told to say that this was a celebration of his life. Whenever the word “celebration” was uttered, the clown would come out on a unicycle with a bucket of confetti throwing it onto the audience.

Between each speaker the clown helped himself to the open bar purposely set up in the back of the room. By the time the 7th guest got up to speak the clown was totally faced. And, so yes, dear readers, he eventually rode his unicycle into the casket knocking it off its stand. Needless to say, my classmate reported that this got the biggest laugh of the day.

I wondered if funeral clowns will catch on. Or had they already and they’re running for president?

Since W and I were in the process of executing our Last Will and Testaments and associated paperwork, here was the exchange between W and me right after I got off of that speaker phone call:

Me: I’m not especially fond of clowns, but there’s something here . . .

W: If you have a clown at my funeral . . .

Me: Oh, sweetie . . . there’s no way I would have only one clown at your funeral.

W: [angry look accompanied by a throat slashing gesture]

Understanding W’s reply meant the only way there would be a clown at my own funeral was if I were to outlive her. Or . . . .

This brings me to share with you what I stipulated by handwriting the following into my typed Will and Testament without informing W:

“My funeral video (see my top left desk drawer) will feature me telling the setups to my favorite jokes and my friends popping up to finish the punchlines.

“My funeral clown (see vetted candidate list in my middle desk drawer) will be equipped with a T-shirt cannon to distribute prizes. It will be loaded with my beloved collection of previously worn motorcycle T-shirts. This clown must have attended Clown College as well as having worked as a corporate HR lackey who enjoyed being the designated hit person who fired people the day before Thanksgiving and Christmas.

“Open bar for the Gents and Ladies at my wake:

“(1) there will be three kegs of local craft beer and multiple bottles of good whiskey, gin, and rum. Attendees will be required to have a drink. Tough toenails if they don’t like these drink choices — this is my funeral, not theirs. Have some goddamned respect.

“(2) my grandson has been instructed to direct all attendees to the bar and ask every attendee who they are and how they knew me. He has then been instructed to tell them, “Ah, my grandfather thought you might attend, and he asked me to tell you: this is your fault.’

“(3) if any giant Catholic Liturgical Dance Puppets or mimes show up, automatic weapons fire is authorized. A suitable weapons cache for such a contingency will be behind the bar.”

Funeral Clown

All y’all are invited. I’ll be the maskless one propped up in the rear corner in a rental casket, holding a glass of iced bourbon in one hand and a fine Cuban cigar in the other. Do not try to disturb my drink or stogey, I will be carrying.

Copyright © 2020 From My Isle Seat

www.vicsocotra.com