On this first weekday of this year’s sainted day of Patrick, I’ve foresworn reading or watching any current events reporting to share some thoughts about life’s post job phase. Take it from me, if you’re asking yourself about this post’s topic, I do not know much for certain. Your mileage may will vary. Wildly.

-Marlow

Retirement trips up many hard-working Americans. From day one to the next and beyond, you go from being a vital, productive member of society to being useless — cloistered in the basement, glued to the screen, communicating with imaginary internet friends. You have a lot of time on your hands, and your mind wanders. Often you want to put something out there just to start a conversation: “I have a couple of hours to kill before my nap, I think I’ll float another Fox or MSNBC thing out there.”

On our favored internet sites or email listservs, it’s a safe bet there is a regular posse ready to respond. They’re the crocodiles in the murky depths of African watering holes. The meat (Fox, MSNBC, REDDIT, OAN etc.) goes in the water, the water swirls, lots of splashing, and a thread emerges. Indignation, outrage, blah, blah, blah. The questions we retirees should ask of these news media people and their possies is, “How do you know?” “Do you watch that crap?” Mostly the point I’d make is “it’s boring as hell.”

Some advice:

Plan for retirement carefully. Not just the financial stuff. Ask yourself, what am I going to do all day? Who are going to be our friends?

1. Hobbies and regularly scheduled activities are important. Playing golf every day is not a hobby. It’s fun, and it gets you outside and exercising (sort of), but I’m referring to things that keep your mind active and you feeling like you’re engaged with the world out there. Read extensively, among other things. Play cards and games.

2. Sh*tcan TV. Netflix is OK, but cable news is rat poison regardless of one’s politics. It’s easy when you realize you’re smarter than any of those awful people. I’ve forgotten more about just about any topic you can name than these popinjay, stunted, failed-to-graduate eight grader hosts could ever say or think. Along that same line, do not as matter of course talk about the evil (insert political party of your choice) or endlessly obsess about your portfolio’s value 24/7.

3. Your children, god children, nieces and nephews cannot be your friends. At times (if you are lucky) they will be critical, mean, and indifferent. It’s a circle of life thing. You must have your own friends, and you must socialize. Find interesting people. Some might be unattractive or dress poorly, but if they have had interesting life experiences, you can have a great time.

4. Maintain your health at all costs. Regular checkups with your primary care doctor, plus therapists and specialists when the need arises (it will). Be compliant with these experts’ directions. If you have good health, don’t discuss it. Ditto for bad health. Avoid people and groups where conversations end up being their latest “procedures.” You’ll end up angry and perhaps blurt out something like “I hope you die during your next operation, so I won’t have to hear about it.” Ditto for talking about health insurance.

5. Maintain your dignity. Do not wear sweatpants all day. I try to get up each morning, shower, shave, and put on some nice clothes. This makes W happy and prevents me from embarrassing surprise visitors, neighbors, or FEDEX delivery personnel. Do not lean out car windows on interstates or city street to flip-off those whose bumper stickers you disagree with. Don’t do things that cause your family and friends to lose respect for you.

6. Stay married. If not currently so situated, search for a spouse, a life, travel, cooking, dining, or activities partner.

7. You’re no longer the boss. Do not order your spouse, kids, doctors, friends or the staff at the restaurant or your nursing home around. Deal gracefully with your loss of control.

8. Cook new things three to four times a month. Try new drinks.

9. Travel until you’re no longer able. Visit new places at least once a year. Go to new local or regional places at least once per quarter (or even monthly). International destinations are wonderful but it’s hard to summon interest or energy because flying is so godawful these days. Crowded airports, crowded planes, all sorts of forms and paper, heightened security, health and war scares, etc. It’s all a big pain. So, here’s a thought. Like a shipmate and his wife recently did — sell or pack up all your stuff and warehouse it. Move to a fun place and live there for two or more years. Travel all over the area where you live. Say, if you decide to live in France like our friends have, resolve to see every square inch of it. We will be visiting them. Soon.

10. Realize the person we created over many decades is no longer physically there but still mentally and emotionally capable of much growth and love of our fellow man.

11. If you’re of a mind, consider this life phase as a chance to capture your legacy. Don’t let yourself simply be a line on someone’s ancestry chart. The ones blessed with your DNA will eventually care and want to know who you were and benefit from your wisdom. Make scrapbooks, write down stories and memories. Post them. Don’t let your progeny rue the voids in their minds of their ancestors’ lives.

Getting old may stink, but the stink level is optional.

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