Editor’s Note: We had to take Marlow’s closing thoughts on the recent holiday to the Chairman to ensure that there was nothing controversial or anti-merriment in this offering. Chairman Socotra said we were past the holiday cheer and about to enter what the Chinese term “The Year of the Tiger.” We are not quite sure what that means as yet, but apparently it will become clear in a few days. We feel this is an excellent point at which we can begin the pirouette into life in 2022. Marlow provides some waypoints on the process…

– Vic

I trust that during this season my readers suffered no casualties in the ongoing low intensity War on Christmas.

For those of you who have cat(s), we pray that your abode was sufficiently protected from the ornament damages raining down from your tree(s). Truncated supply chains for replacements for these furry Xmas ball kills must await the second quarter of CY2022.

One of my tight-jawed friends sent me a confusing missive on this topic about the charismatic combat, but I resisted replying that we now have one of them on the US Supreme Court.

I hope all y’all love the smell of peppermint in the morning. You know, one time during my youth I lovingly simmered hot chocolate for 12 hours. When it was all over, I and my brothers walked about. We didn’t find one of ’em, not one stinkin’ . . . elf. The smell, you know . . . that sweet smell, the whole house. Smelled like hickory.

Somewhere near where my above-mentioned friend resides, he sees bodies everywhere. Each morning, the dead litter the lawns of his neighbors. When the timer clicks, they lose their will to live/forced air inflation. Only the dead, and the deflated lawn Santas, have seen the end of this war. Empty wind bags are everywhere.

We took the day off on Boxing Day. The Coastal Empire isn’t ‘Nam or the UK. We got rules.

The neighbors and I will busy ourselves with fake snow removal tomorrow. We insist on a white Christmas, but fortunately not in the racist way others less advanced and progressed than us do. We do not mean it in the Scarface way . . . but on second thought that would leave us a lot less work.

Sadly, this war on Christmas won’t end until Christmas stops its illegal occupation of NovemberOctober September.

We had a lovely December 25th Day as it was called in an email by a local working as a contractor for our local health system’s COVID response team informing us that we should have a happy December 25th Day. That’s just the sound of someone losing their mind. At least we weren’t admonished for saying “Merry Christmas” on Christmas Eve due to it not being inclusive. Otherwise, major casualties would have ensued.

Christmas is real — it ain’t no ho ho hoax. Tell me I’m wrong. Make my day.

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