(Botta’s Pocket Gopher (Thomomys bottae). I did not get this close- not yet, anyway. Photo Wikipedia)

The new tenants moved in without benefit of lease. Sort of like Mrs. Mouse in the Mailbox last year, dammit. I am not happy with the trespassers, and I am not going to get into who is trespassing on what. Not on Monday, anyway.

I was sitting on the porch, wondering if I should try to cut the grass this late on a Sunday, and then, bold as brass, two Gophers strolled out from under the front porch, headed for the lawn to so some happy-hour foraging.

I have seen them on the property before, though not actually under my porch. There were several thoughts that occurred to me simultaneously: Should I shoot them? Should I get another drink and let them be?

This actually caused me to do a little research before grabbing the shotgun. And, glancing at the clock, making a drink. Wait- no alcohol before shooting. Well, OK, no gunfire this afternoon. I might shoot the Panzer by mistake- and plus, those rodents can be vicious when provoked.

What you and I call “gophers” (you know, the interns you send for a vente Starbucks) are actually known in the natural world as “Pocket gophers,” since their chub cheeks (fur lined- elegant!) are used to tote food back to their extensive burrows, which is mostly what I was concerned about.

See, all pocket gophers create a network of tunnel systems that provide protection and a venue for collecting food, which would include the garden I have not quite got around to cultivating this season. The Russians are WAY ahead of me, and bringing in the first crop of shallots and spinach already, with heritage tomatoes to come shortly.

I think the Russian Truck Patch is far enough away that they are safe from predation from my side of the fence, but you never can tell.

Drinking safely inside, just in case an enraged pocket monster attacked me with his or her savage front teeth while perusing my iPad on the porch, I discovered I had a further problem.

Unlike its close relative the ground squirrel, gophers do not live in large communities and seldom find themselves above ground willingly.

And worse, from my perspective, Pockets are solitary outside of the breeding season. They are pretty aggressive about maintaining their turf, with territories that vary in size depending on the resources available. I have five acres, so that is a problem if they decide their need liebensraum.

Males and females may share some burrows and nesting chambers if their territories border each other, but in general, each pocket gopher inhabits its own individual tunnel system.

This has dramatic implications for my summer. Seeing two of them meant it was probably were probably going steady, if not already engaged.

Depending on the species and local conditions, pocket gophers may have a specific annual breeding season, or may breed repeatedly through the year like American college students.

When they reproduce, each litter typically consists of two to five young, although this may be much higher in some species. Crap.

I think it is a trip to the Lowe’s for some humane cages, thick leather gloves, and high explosives, just in case.

Copyright 2014 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com
Twitter: @jayare303