Remember the Burma Shave signs? I know, I know. Only oldsters remember them in fact. Most folks do have a passing acquaintance with parodies from modern information campaigns, and naturally we pile on like everyone else. We had a talk about that in the pre-production meetings. It started, naturally enough, with the topic of “shaving,” a mostly male facial exercise that is actually shared by everyone who shares an aversion to stray body follicles. Attention naturally turned mostly to Splash, who was an “early adopter” to the pandemic approach to grooming.

You know the look. People appearing on national (and of course international, by extension) television without ties, at first, and then without jackets, and finally with a day’s worth of shadow on the chin and in comfortable sweat suits.

Splash tries to keep up, but limits himself to a weekly full immersion in the outdoor shower, usually with an attempt to foil the facial foliage. The degree to which he succeeds was not a topic he wanted to address on the tipping point of the week, the one that balances cautious optimism for what is to come with the realization that the weekend is now rapidly approaching, and the goals for accomplishment are now at least partially visible in the rear-view.

Loma claims to have seen the original signs alongside some of the old national highways, the ones that predated one of the large public works preceding Dwight Eisenhower’s signature on the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956. He considered it the most important accomplishment of his two terms in office, and historians general agree, though of course their role as part of patriarchal and systemic oppression is now revealed truth. The current Secretary of Transportation is seeking to bury some of the urban highways on that basis.

Many of us avoid driving now, so it is just more noise. But Loma claims the original intent was to convey a catchy poem on six consecutive sign boards, followed by the Burma Shave logo. DeMille was, as usual, freshly shaven for the meeting. His only concession to pandemic was to adopt a complete shave across the dome of his skull in deference to the difficulty in finding a barber willing to make house calls.

He gestured at the six signs that had been placed in a line leading from the rocks around the fire pit to the steps leading up to the Loading Dock which has a better view of the pastures to the southeast of the barn. “There you go,” he said. “We are harnessing the framework of the old to illustrate the challenges of the new.” He gave a broad sweep of his muscular right arm to emphasize his point.

“We are going to have to take down the one about the Bi-Partisan Infrastructure bill. That has been passed and signed by the President. We will also have to move the second one, the Build Back Whatever Bill. The Speaker says she may try to get that one passed by the House on Friday.”

“Doesn’t that mean we can actually put an exclamation point on it?” asked Rocket. “It is the big deal in all this.”

DeMille shook his head, which prompted Splash to shiver visibly. “No, that announcement just told us how far to move that sign. Senator Schumer has told the Senate to stand by, monitor their phones, and be prepared for action before Christmas.”

Loma smiled. “That means we don’t have to move the signs about the Beijing Olympics. That is still three months out. And weren’t we going to boycott it or something?”

“There is new clarity on that. Apparently none of our national leadership will attend. The athletes will still go to participate, but we won’t mess with Premier Xi’s show. So we can leave it where it is.”

“Which means the signs about Taiwan and Ukraine being conquered can stay put after the Olympics sign?”

“No, but unfortunately, we may have to saw it in half. The Taiwan issue is attached to the Olympics sign, since it probably won’t happen first. But the Ukraine thing might strike Mr. Putin as something that can be done whenever he wishes. He has already sent a mess of paratroops to the border. He could even use the Games as something to distract attention from an invasion.”

“So maybe we could put the Ukraine sign by the one for the Games, but after the BBB sign around the holidays?”

“The Houthi rebels in Yemen just seized the US embassy in the capital at Sana’a. And the State Department is telling US citizens to get out of Ethiopia while they can, with the unwritten warning that help will not be coming.”

“If it is unwritten, we don’t need a sign. But with the interstate highway system, people are moving too fast to read the small print.”

DeMille brushed a hand across his smooth pate. “The Interstate System has been a part of our culture as construction projects, as transportation in our daily lives, and as an integral part of the American way of life.”

“Like firearms safety. We got a letter from Florida complaining about the way we described the Prosecutor in Kenosha waving that AR-15 around in his summation address to the jury.”

“Well, the rifle didn’t have a magazine in it when he pointed it at the jurors.”

Splash snorted. “Rules of firearms safety. Simple and clear. Never point a gun at something you are not intending on shooting. And with the bolt closed, there is no way to ascertain if there is a round in the chamber. Which is why you always check it. But never have your finger inside the trigger guard. That is elementary safety, and could be described in less than three signs.”

“That would take us way beyond the six that Burma Shave used to use. I think I can count about twelve in the Weather Report this week.”

“True. But let’s start with the logo sign. Burma Shave went out of business about the time they decided to start calling it ‘Myanmar.'”

DeMille smiled. “Too many letters in Socotra House Publications, LLC. It wouldn’t fit.”

“Why not just let them stand where they are now. By Friday we may have to move everything around.”

Loma smiled. He already had an answer, and waved at the nw line of signs leading to the chow hall:

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“At the moment, these are the ones that don’t need changing.”

Copyright 2021 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com